MY HORIZONTAL LIFE, by Chelsea Handler

Títle: My Horizontal Life, A Collection of One-Night Stands
Author: Chelsea Handler
Year: 2005
Country: U.S.A. 

I was at the airport, strolling around the gates, trying to spend time without spending money, when I inevitably was drawn to a bookshop. If you can call it bookshop. It was just a few shelves with a few books and magazines, but you know me. Or at least I know me, and I knew that if I veered in that direction I'd end up buying something. But before I could stop myself I was already paging through a magazine, and that's when I found My Horizontal Life.


Here's a confession: I love Chelsea Handler in the same sick, shameful, guilty-pleasure way I love Joan Rivers. They are insanely dirty, inappropiate and hilarious. I just can't help burst out laughing when I see their shows. I can feel my brain cells cringe and die a little, but it's worth the laugh.

So when I saw this book it was out of the question I had to buy it.

It's divided very simply into a one-night-stand-experience per chapter, and I say experience because she doesn't always end up having sex. Some are hot, some are disgusting, all of them are awkward and super funny. I don't believe half of the things she says are true, but still they are hilarious stories. Incredibly inappropiate, but hilarious nonetheless.

This book won't make you smarter, but it's definately a good laugh.

SCARLET, by Marissa Meyer

Title: Scarlet
Author: Marissa Meyer
Series: The Lunar Chronicles
Year: 2013

(I apologize in advance, in the end I loved the book, but this is a rant!)

Yes, this is the sequel to Cinder. I was soo looking forward to it and devoured the first half of the book. Then it got silly. As in, cheesy romantic drama silly. A relationship a little too much like Twilight developed and I just got bored of it pretty quickly and left the book for a while. It sat on my coffee table for, what, a month or two, not really sure if I wanted to keep reading, or even bother with the whole series. But last night I decided to give it another chance and, boy! I'm glad I did!


*Spoiler Alert*

I still think that Scarlet and Wolf's relationship is kinda silly and too much like Twilight in the sense of "I'm-such-a-monster-(literally)-but-your-love-has-unnaturally-changed-me". Not that love can't change you or that genetically modified aliens that resemble wolves can't fall in love, it's just that the whole circunstances are too... umm.... I AM A KILLING MACHINE BUT THE SECOND I SAW YOU I BECAME YOUR LOYAL PUPPY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. And my species is monogomous.

It's too rush and definite. I believe in love at first sight, but this is a bit too much. Now, having said that... that's exactly the kind of relationship I'd expect from Scarlet and Wolf. They are both passionate, obstinate, stubborn and rush. And Scarlet is super impulsive. Don't get me wrong, I love these characters, but I wish the author would develop Scarlet into someone with a bit more caution and wisdom. She's super kick ass, but it wouldn't hurt her to develop a tiny bit more patience.

On the other hand, Cinder has developed into the tough chick she needed to be. I looove that character development, she's grown up the spine she needed. Sure, it has happened a bit unrealistically fast, but I do think that her change in character was needed. The Cinder at the beggining of the series wouldn't have made it this far and definately wouldn't stand a chance against Levana. Furthermore, she's aware that she still lacks the physical skill and knowledge to do it, so she's set her mind to achieve that first, instead of just rushing to defeat Levana.

And that's what makes her so different from Scarlet. The minute Scarlet was given the chance, she literally pounded on the bad guys' door. Cinder, instead, decided to acquire the skills (and do her research) before facing her enemy. I really like how she and Scarlet are both kick ass but so different. Kai, Wolf and Carswell too, I love how the male characters each have very different personalities and roles within the plot. That makes them actual characters instead of just the love interest of the girls - and I've seen that happen in other books and both in male and female characters.

Also, I thought the "Evil Queen from the Moon" was a side story that would end early in the second book, but it's actually what connects the series. I admit I initially disregarded it, but when I re-read Cinder before reading Scarlet I realized it's actually the major conflict that ties all these (kick ass) girls together.

The plot is still a bit predictable and I can see the major picture coming. I can still foresee WHAT is gonna happen but its the HOW what keeps me wanting more. This is what makes me forgive that awful cheesy romantic scenes in the middle of the book. Also, very good writing, I'm looking forward to Cress, the third book in the series. Thumbs up!

Here's a cool short story prequel to Scarlet!

Dialogue Stories (hitRECord)

Two Voices: Little Red Riding Hood

What do you mean she got eaten by the wolf?! That bitch.
Yeah... The huntsman's been drunk since.
Bet he is.
Boss is worried this might affect business. Old lady's furious.
Why's that?
Come now, that bitch could dance.
Bah! It was just that red sparkling suit, nothing more.
Hmm... Can't blame her for wanting to get away from this sorry town, though.
Yeah... That bitch.

***

Three Voices: Dinner Tonight

So what would you like for dinner?
PIZZAAAA!!!
I'm not asking you, young man. Hurry up and get your pijamas on already. Now, what about dinner?
Well, I guess we could have some pizza.
YES! PIZZA!
No, no, no junk food tonight. Why don't we go somewhere nice?
Mmm... i don't really feel like going out tonight.
P-I-Z-Z-A
Well then, we could order some sushi. You like sushi, don't you?
P-I-Z-Z-A
Yeah, but now that he's mentioned it, i kinda feel like pizza.
YAAY!!!
Are you serious?
Yup.
DADDY HOW DO YOU SPELL STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM?!
Oh no, no, no ice cream tonight.

WILD, by Cheryl Strayed

Títle: Wild
Author: Cheryl Strayed
Country: U.S.A.
Year: 2012


This book abso-freaking-lutely rocks! It's an incredible memoir (i.e. real story) of an incredible woman hiking away Western U.S.A. in an attempt to find the identity she had long lost. The story is told with brutal honesty and nerve-ending detail, describing really intimate feelings and thoughts (and actions) with an easy-going, casual tone. Strayed tells us about her difficult divorce, her terrible grief after her mother's death, her struggle with heroin and other heart-wrenching things with the ease of someone who has sailed through the storm and has come victorious.

Cheryl Strayed on the PCT in southern California, June 1995.

But all these things are only casually mentioned throughout the book, like scattered pieces of a puzzle. They are the background story that led author Cheryl Strayed to that moment in 1995 when she took the impulsive decision to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, a trail over 1,000 miles long that crosses the length of California, Oregon and Washington states. Her journey started short of the Mexican border, in the town of Mojave. From there, she hiked her way through mountains, forests and deserts to the Bridge of the Gods, the point where the states of Washington and Oregon meet in an astounding landscape above the Columbia River.

And astounding it is! I can assure you that as I've been there myself. That was the reason this book caught my attention and after I read what it was about, I decided I had to read it. I've laughed, mourned and bit my fingers throughout the book, not being able to put it down, feeling I couldn't read fast enough and yet re-reading entire chapters because of the depth of Strayed's words.

It's a book that inspires. People (fellow hikers and others) come in and out of the story, making an impact, leaving a print but not necessarily coming back. It's a story as unexpected and real as life is. It will break your heart and put it back together again, only stronger.

It's a book that inspires. And, like the people Strayed met on the PCT, if you let it, it can even change you.

Twilight Series Rant - August 2008

*To my dismay and your amusement, my August 2008 Twilight Series rant - Breaking Dawn Part II*

*Enjoy!*

(continued from BDR-I, see below)

[WARNING! This is a rant, not a proper book review. My English teacher would bite my head off if she were to read this]

Alice.

WHY?! WHYYYY??!! Whatever happened to her past? To her misterious creator who bit her to save her from a vengeful vampire? What happened to the object of desire-ahem, POWER desire- of the leader of the Volturi Coven, the fiercest Coven of our time? Oh, she had some errands to run. But yeah, she made it in time and saved the day. Because, she DID save the day, you know? Has anyone noticed? Sure, Edward says the Volturi were looking for an excuse to get out of battle (because they were PETRIFIED by Bella's shield) but did anyone even noticed that it was Alice who actually stopped the fight from happening? Oh, maybe Esme did, but who cares about Esme? [I do!]

We'll never know what actually happened between James and that vampire. We know all of the Cullen's stories, except for her. It's outrageous but it makes me feel a bit better to know that at least she and Jasper are different. They have so much potential... something I truly believe is that the Volturi wanted Alice to join them so badly.

The Battle.

At page 540, when AT LAST the action, the plot, the conflict of the book starts, I was again hoping it would all be worth it (once again, thanks to Alice) The next something-hundred pages are all about getting ready for the big battle. The greatest vampire gathering in history to face the terrible Volturi. The battle was to be legendary... if only there had been a battle at all.

Ok, kids, I understand that the author is not fond of violence and is a really religious person, got it. But it sucks [author-wise] that she built all that anticipation for something that doesn't happen in the end. It all went back to where it started: the Volturi might come down here some day and they might kill us all then... just, not today. Maybe that will happen in another book. Or in a couple more books. Or maybe in a whole new series of books. Or maybe never at all.

Who knows?

*sigh*

Well, thing is, I'm disappointed (as I'm sure you've noticed). The first book was silly and, well, bad. Just plain bad. But it was entertaining. The second and third were waaaaaaaay better, cause they actually had plots and conflicts and it was not all about the FOREVER-AND-EVER love relationship. Yes, they did have their AWFUL flaws, but it was getting better.

So there I was, silly me, hoping the fourth book was going to be better. Hoping the author was gonna show just how much her skill had developed. But no. It was all back to a silly fanfic story. 540 pages of drama that could have easily been avoided-even without abortion. I do not support abortion, but I would have been a bit disturbed about having an unknown, undead spawn growing inside of me. And killing me as it did. Post-540-pages of drama, we see a faint light. A plot? We could only hope...

And then hope was crushed by the weight of happily-ever-after in the form of a big fat ugly lady. No battles. No struggle. No pain, no game. And nobody dies, of course, how could ANYONE die... they're all undead, arent't they?

...

I hadn't read any other reviews (not that this is one, this is a RANT) til JUST now. But it seems I'm not the only one disappointed (although I already knew that Lucia and Denise were with me-LUCIAAA!!!)

I think book returning is one of the worst things you can do to an author. Like burning it or destroying it in public. I know I said I wanted to chew some pages off or throw the copy out the window... but please understand that I had just been dumped by a werewolf =P

No, but honestly, the book was a big let down.

Just when it was starting to get better...

CRASH!

It all went back to fanfic story.

I hope you're happy now, Jake *sniff* Just pray that Billy is right and you've chosen the best girl to procreate (HAVE SEX! YES SEX!) with. Cause if not, well, you'll be having a hard time to get a half-vampire pregnant once she reaches "adulthood".

Who knows?


P.S: By the way, didn't vampires reek? Weren't they supossed to be your enemies, the very reason why you even SHIFTED?

Twilight Series Rant - August 2008

*Twilight Series Rant - Breaking Dawn Part I*
 
IT'S OVER BETWEEN US, JACOB BLACK!

How could you, Jacob? How could you?...

Why?! WHY?! Why did you have to go and break my heart! I loved you unconditionally, truly and madly. And you just HAD to imprint on that... that... FETUS!

UGH! Jacob, it's not fair! You were all about CHOICES, all about free will, all about falling in love and not letting some ancient genetic predisposition rule your love life.

But no. You had to go and imprint on the half-vampire, Ruh-nez-may (I'll get to the names part later). It's just outrageous, had it not been Lucia's copy, I would have chewed the page right out from the book. Oh, alright, it took me a few re-reads to realize what was going on. But you can't really blame me: one minute Jacob's about to phase to KILL the child and the next... she is the reason why he exists, the center of the whole cosmos, of the universe [That's not a quote, I can't recall the exact words and I don't have the book with me to look'em up] [Not that I would, though, that would be tempting enough to bite it off].

Ok, I must admit this Jacob-imprinting-on-Bella's-daughter took me by surprise and under other circumstances it would have been cool to have such a twist in the plot.

But come ooooooooooooon! It turned out bad. Like, REALLY bad. It feels like an insult to the character. Jacob supported Bella til the end, and I mean, til the very end. He only gave up when she died (the fact that she was brought back by vampire venom and turned into an undestructable undead will not be taken into account here). He did all he could for her, loved her desperately (maybe a bit too desperately) and always stuck to his idea of loving not imprinting. Sure, he had a weak moment and decided to run and try to imprint, but who can blame the poor guy, after such circumtances?

I think Meyer did an awful job at tying up all the loose ends. She doesn't know how to solve problems. Oh! Jacob wont' be able to get over Bella, hmmm, well, let's FORCE him into falling in love with someone else. Oh! I know! He can fall in love with Bella's daughter that way we can blame that whole attraction between both and ease the sexual tension by hinting at [as Lucia calls it]him feeling attracted to the child from the beginning... no one will notice that she wasn't even CONCEIVED. And the child can have like, super accelerated growth so it won't sound as creepy. Oh! But it will have to conveniently stop when she's a grown up. And they will all be a big happy inmortal family, yay!

BULLSHIT! What kind of stupid character development plan is that? I liked Jacob because he treated Bella not as a pet (like Edward does) but as a person! Yet, now it seems he will be the pet in his new relationship [*sniff*] Oh! HI!! I'm Nessies's big furry lover! Yes, you can pat my head and, for a puppy snack, I will roll on my back and let you scratch my tummy.

What happened to you, Jake? I thought Leah was gonna hammer some sense into your troubled head. I thought maybe, with a bit of luck, you could even end up together (but that was only a hope). I truly did believe she was gonna make you snap out of it so you could start to heal.

Speaking of whom...

LEAH!

She was finally getting into the spotlight, finally we could see through her whining (which was often mentioned but never actually shown) and grasp a bit of her true pain and drama and yadda yadda yadda. And hey, maybe she's not that much of a bitch (no pun intended) but more of a female having to share ALL her intimacy with a bunch of male teenagers on steroids. Hey, she might actually be nice aftera- HEY! Where did she go? What happened to Leah? Oh, there she is. At the very back, supporting character of the supporting character again.

What a pity.
Really, what a waste.

That's a major thing about the book. So many characters with so much potential. Leah, the only female shape-shifter; Bejamin, the vampire who controls the elements; Garett, the revolutionary vampire; Zafrina, the wild Amazon vampire who can create illusions, among others. But no. They'll have to accept their small share of the spotlight because this girl with a most-scary SHIELD OF LOVE drived the MOST menacing army of vampires away in fear fear. PUH-lease!

That's like making a movie starring Jane Doe with Keira Knightley and Johnny Depp as secondary characters and Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt only apprearing in screen a couple of times for a couple of minutes. In a three-hour-long movie.

And not even THAT.

(to be continued...)

CINDER by Marissa Meyer

Títle: Cinder
Series: The Lunar Chronicles
Author: Marissa Meyer
Year: 2012

When I first saw this book I loved (the cover and) the idea. Cinderella is a cyborg in a futuristic world. Instead of loosing a shoe, she looses her cyborg foot. HER WHOLE FOOT. If we're taking fairy tales literally, that makes a lot more sense than the original story. Seriously! How incredibly ingenious! How could you not want to read that?

So I bought it aaaand it was great! Yes, yes, it's a teenage romance, but it really is very entertaining and it left me wanting MORE. (Thank God the sequel is already out!) Sure, it's a light read; at first I thought it was only good for times when you need to get away and relax, but it got my attention real quick. I read most of it in one sitting and I only stopped because I had to go to work. The author fits the fairy tale's elements very well into the setting (although this setting is a bit faulty, I'll get back to that later). In this new world, robots (androids) do most of the work. Cinderella, instead of having to do the chores around the house, fixes these robots for a living. She's a mechanic, and because she's a cyborg, she's the best mechanic around.

There's no fairy godmother, though. Cinder makes it clear from a start that she doesn't need one. She can be her own hero and work her own magic. (I'll have to say, though, that there is a certain old gentleman that deserves some credit, but he merely provided the weapons, not the strength of character.)

 Also, there's a side story that develops quite well. Lunars are the Moon's population, evolved from a human colony centuries ago. Their dictator, Queen Levana, wants to ensure control of Earth by (brainwashing and) marrying one of Earth's princes. The author makes it quite clear that this whole business will connect Cinder's story to the sequels: Scarlet (Little Red Riding Hood), Cress (My guess is Rapunzel) and Winter (Snow White?).

The side story also generates a conflict that gives the choices Cinder must make a lot more importance. Going to the ball suddenly is a matter of life and death, not just a night out partying. That gives the whole business a thrill I hadn't felt in a book in a while.

On the con side, the setting could have been worked better. It's a bit lazy. What I mean is, there are some things that wouldn't work that way anymore with the kind of technology they'd have. Having to carry tablets, for instance, when they all have chips incorporated.

Also, the book's awfully predictable. Ok, ok, we all know the Cinderella story, but I'm also talking about the subplots the author slips in. You can see them coming. The fact that these connections are invisible to the characters makes me want to scream... which probably just proves this is a damn good book!

I loved it. I loved the idea, the simpleness of its narrative, the strength of its characters and how dear they have become to me. Thumbs up, absolutely!

(P.S: Lovely prequel short story found here!)